Chapter 6- The Cancer

So I know many of you are probably banging your head against the wall saying to yourself, how could she not know she was being catfished, how did she stay in this for so long. How many lies can one person take?

And believe me, I am right there with you.  Here are a couple of points to help add more context. Jessica knew me very well. She created an environment where she was my only confidant. She was there during all the highs and all the lowest of the lows. She knew from both the best friend perspective and from the partner perspective (Matt) on how I thought. She was also able to say everything I wanted to hear because to Jess, I would say things like “I just wish he would …..”.

Imagine how powerful it would be for you if this person you had not met seemed to know you inside and out. Seemed to say everything you wanted to hear without asking them.

That all leads me to the overarching struggle of our “relationship” and the main reason we could not get together.  Matt had told me his mom had been diagnosed with a rare form of spinal cancer. Given she was a doctor (already pre-established in our early discussions), she had many connections and was travelling to different hospitals around North America to help treat this cancer.

Matt being the ever faithful family man took it upon himself to be there for her, and to help her through this process. He helped with his brother and sister and also began travelling with his mom to many different hospitals.

It was quite a strategic plan on Jessica’s side, because it worked on so many levels. If it was Matt who had cancer I think I would have fought so much harder to be there and support . But since it was his mom, it was so much easier to guilt trip me. “I want to be with you but my dying mom needs me, do you want me to leave her side?”  “She doesn’t want people to see her this way”  “She feels so guilty for keeping me from you”.  It also works well because cancer is one of those things that can last for a long time,  have so many ups and downs, unpredictability.

She used this as a back up for plans, as Matt would say things like, I plan to be there…. If nothing happens. IF my mom is ok. Then invariably for the times where plans were made, something would happen. A new treatment opportunity, a coma, his brother needing help.

Jessica also made up an email for his mom, and would email me as his mom, Patrycja (she was Polish), and say things like,

Typical conversation- lies + me afraid of the reaction

“Matt talks about you so often and I know how difficult a man he can be, but please know how much he loves you. I am so sorry for keeping him from you. He is being so stubborn, but please please don’t give up on him. It makes me so happy to know he has someone like you who will always be there for him”

She had another phone or another number and impersonated his sister as well. As Matt’s sister, she would talk while hanging out with Matt and say how she was going to help get us together. She invited me to a concert one time to meet as well. Jess and I went together and we couldn’t end up finding each other in the crowd.

Both the sister and the mom had completely different personalities when they were speaking to me compared to Matt and Jessica.

After all these ups and downs and toxic events. I attempted to create some sort of balancing act, where I would say if he just met me, we could be together, otherwise I was going to do my own thing as best as I could. Here’s an example of a typical conversation we would have

[2013-07-11, 11:07:59 PM] Matt Costa: it's changed me in different ways, and i feel like since these changes you have been less attracted to me i guess. even tho that may not be true, it's how i feel especially lately so there's my explanation for why i've been so stupid about every other guy around you too

[2013-07-11, 11:11:11 PM] Matt Costa: i don't feel the need to be perfect for you because i know you'll accept me either way, i just feel like i'm beyond damaged for you. but i don't wanna be and i know that no matter how much i've changed, i can put all this behind me and be more like the guy that i waswhen you fell in love with me. and i will do whatever it takes to get there because i love you and i know that i wanna spend the rest of my life loving you and nobody else

[2013-07-11, 11:11:56 PM] Matt Costa: i will also do anything it takes to learn to work as a team with you. to let you in when i know i need you there or you wanna be there

[2013-07-11, 11:12:20 PM] Matt Costa: i don't want to push you away.

[2013-07-11, 11:13:18 PM] Matt Costa: but i've been a little hesitant and not fully confident in doing all this because in the back of my mind i'm always worrying about your feelings towards me, and how they've changed over the years

[2013-07-11, 11:13:52 PM] me: that makes sense and i completely understand all except for the fact that its been close to 3 years now ive been here. and yes its changed you, the experiences we all go through in life change us , im not the same person i was before i met you either. but its the choices we make that define us babe. You have controll over how you want to deal with the stuff that comes at you, and you have had 3 years to let me in , and make a choice. I dont expect you to be the guy you used to be. to be honest i would be amazed if you could. i just think you look at yourself and your life as theres nothing you can do except deal with it and you feel sorry for yourself alot and you cant do anything about it etc. etc. but you can you always have control over how you want to deal with things and it sucks that three years and were sitll in the exact same place.

[2013-07-11, 11:15:17 PM] Matt Costa: i just need to know exactly how you feel. i know that it's you that's right for me. 100%

[2013-07-11, 11:16:32 PM] Matt Costa: but if you have any doubt in us or me, i want you to break up with me right now before i let myself have even stronger feelings for you

[2013-07-11, 11:16:51 PM] me: how i feel is that i want to be with you and i love you and i have always loved you the same. But im worried that every time something bad happens you will push me away and im worried youre not going to be there for me when i need you . i keep telling myself it will all change when we finally get together, but what if it doesnt.

[2013-07-11, 11:17:06 PM] me: if this is how it has always been

[2013-07-11, 11:17:53 PM] me: will things change when were together. i just dont know

[2013-07-11, 11:19:44 PM] Matt Costa: i will not push you away when things go bad, if we're gonna be together i know i have to learn to work together with you. and you're the only person i want to be there for me in that way

[2013-07-11, 11:19:59 PM] me: yeah but youre telling this to me now matt :(

[2013-07-11, 11:20:02 PM] me: ive heard it all before

[2013-07-11, 11:20:07 PM] me: you wont even call me :(

[2013-07-11, 11:20:23 PM] me: i just need to see you show me that

[2013-07-11, 11:20:42 PM] me: its hard for me to trust it right now

[2013-07-11, 11:20:57 PM] Matt Costa: i know i've been the absolute worst boyfriend in the world

Money I raised from the tournament and then did a 250KM bike ride to follow

After a couple years of this excuse throughout our relationship, when it was no longer working because I was pulling away and trying to live my own life, Jessica knew she had to push harder to keep me. She ended up killing off his fictional mom after about two years of battling cancer. Then Matt become even more reckless and depressed after his mom’s passing. So now when he would disappear, I would worry for his life, worry he had taken his own life or done something stupid to hurt himself. It would completely derail any attempt I tried to escape, to make new friends, to find new things to bring me joy outside of this relationship.

To support him from afar during this time, I hosted volleyball tournaments raising money for cancer. I even cut off my hair one time to give it to cancer organizations. I figured I would do what I could for this amazing woman who was his mom he spoke about so often and who I thought I had also spoken to.

Facebook post I made back in 2015

You may not be surprised… but the balancing act never worked. I knew if I kept one foot in like I was doing I would never be free. But I do give myself some grace now knowing I was living with my abuser, who knew everything I was doing, and how she could hurt me the most or manipulate me in a very powerful way.

** Disclaimer— I definitely do not regret anything I helped contribute for cancer research, I am in fact proud of it. It’s more to show how many major decisions in my life were made due to this relationship