Chapter 7- The Break Up

I did eventually get out. It took a long time, but there were a series of events that gave me the strength to leave. I will highlight just a few here for additional context – now looking back I can see how hard Jessica was hanging on as I was trying to distance myself both from her and from Matt.

I was still living with Jessica and just one other roommate about 4-5 years into “the relationship”. I was doing my so-called balancing act. Basically, I told him that I was going to live my life outside him and we were not together, but if he ever wanted to change that he would have to see me.

I had started a masters degree, I had made new friends. I was slowly going out more, building my life outside of this relationship. There were still many moments when I would go out and Jessica would find some way to make me feel terrible, text me as Matt with some horrible thing that had happened or that he had done to himself. As Matt, he would always attempt to “see me” and fix the relationship on the days I would be going out or making plans with friends.

On multiple occasions, Matt would have “seen me out” but coincidentally only seen me talking to some other guy or didn’t have the courage to come talk to me face to face. He would tell me where and when he saw me, compliment me on what I was wearing. So it got even harder to be out, constantly looking over my shoulder, hoping and equally not hoping to see him.

One time, I went away for a weekend. And after 4 years of being alone, and not being with another man. I hooked up with a guy from my past. It was a terrible low point.  I walked home alone that night after it happened, full of guilt and shame.

And Jessica knew this, because I had told her. Matt would always ask the question I didn’t want- and he had asked me what I had done that night, who I had seen. I don’t know if I just intuitively knew Jess would have told him or if I was just generally so defeated I felt it didn’t matter. So I told him what I had done. That time there was so much rage, so many hurtful things said to me on top of all the guilt and shame I was already feeling. I spent essentially two days in my room, depressed, feeling like I had ruined everything. Jessica would check in here and there and  basically make me feel stupid for caring as much as I did, that he wasn’t worth it, get over it and go do something fun with her.

Nervo Duo

This is important context for one of the first breaking points leading me the official point where I no longer wanted any contact with this person. Jessica, my other roommate and I, went to a concert in Ottawa. We drove there to see an EDM duo, Nervo. Jessica was obsessed with them, would go to all their shows, and met them on a few occasions. And while we were in the crowd, looking up at these attractive blond DJ twins, Matt texted me and told me he had slept with Liv, one of the DJs. It seemed plausible at the time based on his connections, money, and recent travels. It completely broke what was left of me.

Now that I have additional context, that means Jessica in real time decided to text me, watch her text crush me in front of her eyes, and then watched me leave the concert on my own. The other roommate there at the time, who didn’t know much about what was going on, told Jessica she was mad I always left events and Jessica agreed. She said “she didn’t know what was wrong with me” and was also mad.

After thinking for so many years that I wasn’t good enough, after losing all the weight, being so hyper focused on my appearance, doing the right thing, being the perfect girlfriend, he had chosen someone else. After that I began to pull even further away.

Image from a multiday trek in India

After my masters degree, I had decided to go to India following graduating to get a break. I went with a group of people I didn’t know, and met someone there. The first guy I had really connected with for a very long time. I was also far far away from Guelph, no access to my phone and felt free for the first time in a long time. And I fell for this new guy. I finally saw a future that didn’t include Matt, and with a person who I felt was thoughtful, cute, and would be there for me when I needed him.

In these later years, Matt and I would periodically talk, but not consistently. And I talked to Matt about this new guy over email. It was just natural to me after so many years of my life sharing things with Matt, there was that last lingering piece of hope it wasn’t all for nothing.

After me and the new boy decided to date and be exclusive, he found those emails and thought I was cheating on him. I was so devastated Matt could potentially ruin the first good thing in my life in a long time, so I officially cut all ties and deleted all email history of him to prove I was over it and focused on this new, real relationship. Looking back again, I owe a lot to this person. They saved me and helped me find a new path forward.

Then, it was officially over. No contact was made from Matt and simultaneously, Jessica announced she was moving to China to teach English. She has never moved back home and is still there, as far as I know to this day. Learn more about her job in the “About” Page.