Chapter 5- The Assault
I put this part in my story, publicly, because it is an integral piece to help explain why I stayed in this situation for so long. I also share this because its such a big piece of the lasting trauma Jessica has caused me.
Going back in the timeline a little bit—this is about a year into our “relationship”. After multiple attempts to see each other and lots of built up pressure and expectations (you can learn more about this in “Chapter 4-Red Flags” ). Jessica said she would help us out because we kept having so many issues, and we thought it would be nice to have a third person there to help ease the pressure.
I had coordinated to spend the night with Jessica at her parents place in Kitchener and we had plans to go to a bar called Chainsaw in Kitchener-Waterloo. I told Matt to meet us there when he could. That night, he did not show up. We stayed for a while and disappointed, yet again, I left the bar and went back to Jessica’s house. Sad, depressed and disappointed, I went to sleep in Jessica’s bed in the basement of her parents’ home.
I woke up the next morning, exhausted, and dazed. Then, as I did many times before, I drove Jessica to work, very early in the morning . We both worked at golf courses for the summer but not the same ones. I dropped her off then proceeded to my golf course about 15 minutes away.
Not only had Matt not shown up that night, I had not received any text messages either or explanations. The first message I had that morning via text was as outlined below– I remember this day perfectly. I unfortunately do not have the exact messages as all my texts from back in the day are no longer retrievable.
“Before you say anything I just want to say I love you 😊” with smiley faces and happy tones.
I responded confused “Ok…” still disappointed and angry at the no show but also, resigned at this point given he had disappointed me so many times before.
He then said something along the lines of, “ whats wrong did I do something wrong”
I said “ Well, I’m super disappointed you didn’t show up last night”
Matt “What are you talking about, I was there…. We spent the night together”
Me “What are you saying?”
Matt “I showed up late, and you let me in , I had to leave early this morning but … you don’t remember anything? What the fuck…”
** at this point I am at work , on the golf course, having a panic attack on a fairway. I had no memory of him at all – so I of course text Jessica, freaking out:
Me to Jessica “Jessica, what the fuck what the fuck, Matt said he was there last night, did you see or hear anything?”
Jessica “What.. no I didn’t ?? What is happening?”
Me to Jessica “He said he was there !! How could I not remember??”
Matt then proceeded to tell me about the couch in the living room we hooked up on and how he wasn’t sure he could talk to me for a bit because he was freaking that I didn’t remember, and felt he had “violated me”. He was able to tell me everything about Jess’s place, and he also told me about a birthmark I had on my upper thigh. I will never forget that because I didn’t even know I had one. I remember going into the bathroom immediately to look and found it--- definitely not a birth mark you would ever see or notice unless your face was directly in between my legs. The next day, I also found small bruises on my inner thighs— they seemed to be finger marks where my legs had been spread open. I also remember this well because when I told Matt about the bruises and described them as tiny bruises he would call them “Baby Matt” bruises. Don’t ask me what that meant, but that ended up being an ongoing joke in our conversations.
He avoided me for some time after that—I was left wracking my brain to try and understand what had happened. Maybe I was drugged at the bar or maybe I slept walk? I was afraid to sleep for days and weeks after that night.
Jessica was very confused about the whole thing, she asked me if I felt anything the next morning, or remembered anything at all. I told her I didn’t and I also told her the about the bruises and birth mark, and the Baby Matt jokes (which she found funny). She was shocked and concerned but downplayed the event because in both of our minds, we were dating and I would have hooked up with him anyways so its not like it was “against my will”.
When Matt finally started talking to me consistently again, he would go into detail about what he did, what we did that night. And I was so grateful after so many days of utter stress, depression, inability to think, eat, sleep, that he was talking to me again— I spent all the time comforting him, telling him he didn’t violate me. That it was ok what he did and I was happy it happened.
We would bring up that night in our conversations many times, him providing more details and going over how it was the happiest night of his life. I believe this is true- I believe this is when Jessica realized the risk she had taken, to fulfill whatever sexual desires she had, paid off.
Here was a particularly incriminating conversation a year or so after the assault occurred. Again, always painful to see how absolutely hard I worked to keep him happy but – here’s to brutal honesty:
[2012-09-28, 11:54:15 PM] Matt Costa: youre cute when youre sleepy
[2012-09-28, 11:54:29 PM] Matt Costa: babe ive seen everything there is basically
[2012-09-28, 11:54:30 PM] Matt Costa: :P
[2012-09-28, 11:54:39 PM] me: hahaha yeah i think youre right
[2012-09-28, 11:54:50 PM] me: ive got no more secrets
[2012-09-28, 11:54:52 PM] Matt Costa: it doesnt get any worse than going down on you when youre sleeeping...
[2012-09-28, 11:54:58 PM] me: lmao
[2012-09-28, 11:55:12 PM] Matt Costa: thats basically rape lmao. and i have to live with that
[2012-09-28, 11:55:19 PM] Matt Costa: each day
[2012-09-28, 11:55:22 PM] me: hahaah its NOT rape omg
[2012-09-28, 11:55:25 PM] Matt Costa: it is!
[2012-09-28, 11:55:28 PM] me: Noooooo
[2012-09-28, 11:55:31 PM] Matt Costa: you were SLEEPING
[2012-09-28, 11:55:32 PM] me: i wanted it !
[2012-09-28, 11:56:10 PM] Matt Costa: hahah whatever i still feel like i raped you a lil
[2012-09-28, 11:56:14 PM] Matt Costa: and its scary :P
[2012-09-28, 11:56:26 PM] Matt Costa: because im not a raper
[2012-09-28, 11:56:31 PM] Matt Costa: rapist
[2012-09-28, 11:56:45 PM] me: lmao usually its the person being raped that feels scared not the rapist
[2012-09-28, 11:56:52 PM] me: our whole relationship is backwards
[2012-09-28, 11:57:38 PM] Matt Costa: k
[2012-09-28, 11:57:49 PM] Matt Costa: did you even feel anything when u actually woke up tho?
[2012-09-28, 11:57:57 PM] me: yeah i did
[2012-09-28, 11:57:57 PM] Matt Costa: or do you not remember tha either lol
[2012-09-28, 11:58:28 PM] me: i had a vivid "dream" about you too
[2012-09-28, 11:58:47 PM] me: so.. i figured that was why i felt that way. but i had never felt that before so i was really confused
[2012-09-28, 11:59:06 PM] Matt Costa: lol
[2012-09-28, 11:59:15 PM] Matt Costa: it didnt feel like someone.......raped you.....right?
[2012-09-28, 11:59:17 PM] Matt Costa: lmao
[2012-09-28, 11:59:20 PM] me: lmao no
It is very fucked up, I know. It also significantly re-enforced my idea that this person was real because of the marks on my body, because of the birthmark, and because of all the details he was able to share about the night. In my mind the physical things that happened to me had to be Matt, the only other explanation would be that it was Jessica or Jessica was working with someone else which never entered my mind. After this, I was convinced he was real because this was something physical now, not virtual.
It is very hard for me to come to terms with these truths:
“I was living with my abuser.
I know it’s true because of the similar patterns I have heard from her other victims.
I have no idea how many times she abused me.
I will never know.”
The craziest thing is that even though this is awful and terrifying, and ultimately the event I brought to the police as there is no statute of limitations on sexual assault… this is not the worst thing she did to me.
It was the constant stress, the gaslighting, the guilt, the isolation, constantly feeling scared and alone, and the years of putting my life on pause. That is really the hardest part of re-reading and re-living the situation. It is watching my younger self believe she deserved this life and this toxic person.
