Chapter 4- The Red Flags
One thing to remember, the red flags started coming after many months of grooming. Grooming me to believe he was disorganized, had phone issues, went on reckless adventures with his buddies on a regular basis, and namely, that he truly cared for me.
That being said...looking back now I can see just how manipulative, gaslight-y and dark the situation truly was..
The first missed In person meeting
We planned many times to see each other. It’s a big reason why it lasted for so long. It never felt like the next meeting was years away, but weeks. And if I just held on a bit longer, trusted him one more time to keep his word, it would be worth it.
The first time was over the Christmas holidays when he was coming back from BC to visit his family in Kitchener. He had told me his whole family was so excited to meet me, and their typical Christmas plans. I didn’t make any plans with my family on purpose. He wasn’t sure of the exact date and timing so I kept my calendar open. I was so nervous but also thought this was finally going to be our in person introduction after quite a few months of talking.
I spent the Christmas break waiting. I didn’t hear from him, he had disappeared. I was so stressed, so worried--- when he disappeared, I would never know why- was it his phone? Did I say something? Did he change his mind about me? – It’s so hard especially early on in relationships, your mind races when you have no communication. After about 48hrs of this constant stress, I got a text from “his roommate” on Matt’s phone, saying:
– “this is John, Matts roommate, Matt has been in a snowmobile accident and is being airlifted to a hospital in BC. Ill keep you updated when I can”.
He was theoretically out for another day before reaching out- saying he was ok, but injured and not sure when he was going to be able to come home. I was just so relieved he was ok and was wanting to support him however I could, I offered to come to BC—but he said no he was going to try his best to get home. I believe this was to deter my attempts to fly to BC to see him in the hospital.
He ended up making it home but was so “out of it” that he would fall asleep at random times, to avoid my messages. Jessica said she went to see him in Kitchener and he looked awful. I was in Barrie but felt it would be rude to show up if he wasn’t ready to see me, and Jessica wouldn’t tell me his address because she wasn’t comfortable giving it away without his permission.
A piece of this story that still is so impossible to comprehend is that Jessica had planned this for some time. Pre this meeting Matt had been complaining of a sore stomach, “tummy aches”, for about a week—then went on this snowmobile trip and the reason for the crash was that his appendix burst. First, she had set up the persona of an adventurous guy in BC, an adrenaline seeker, then built up the stomach ache, then had that all come together for his first big excuse for not being there/showing up.
It was the saddest and most stressful Christmas I had… so far. Every single holiday, birthday, special event over the course of this entire relationship, Jessica ruined, manipulated, and tried to break me.
The first photos I sent
Another event that Jessica planned out over a long period of time was the first time Matt got me to send him a picture. Lots of times his roommates would “take over the computer” and send me inappropriate or random messages to “mess with him”. He would say “that wasn’t me”, or “sorry my roommates love to bug me about us”.
Sometimes those messages would be things like:
“Send nudes”, “You’re hot”, “Show me your titties” and he would always say, oh so sorry that wasn’t me. Then would pivot and say, but…. I don’t know if you understand how hard it is being a guy in a long-distance relationship. Is there anyway you could maybe consider sending me pictures? When I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, or was nervous, he would disappear or get very short in his responses, obviously upset.
He would say it wasn’t because of me, but I always felt it was my responsibility to be the perfect girl he thought I was, to make him happy, or he would leave me. So the first time I sent a photo- I was so insecure about this first one- at the time I felt overweight, I felt like if he saw my body he would definitely not be as interested. I remember being so stressed. It took him a while to respond and it was positive but not overwhelming and I was convinced it was because he was disappointed and I wasn’t what he was expecting me to be, and I resigned that day that I was going to lose weight and be someone who deserved to be with him.
I continued to send photos because it was a way I knew I was going to get a response from him. Often Matt would disappear or have different mood swings. So with every bad mood, or a disappearance, he tricked me to fix it with photos. At the time, I just thought he was a disorganized, horny young guy, who would get very excited about photos so he would respond quickly. Looking back, it was another thing she spent a long time working on to manipulate me to do what she wanted most.
Over the years, every time he didn’t see me, every excuse that happened, especially when it came to meeting friends/family, I was convinced it was because he was embarrassed of me. I thought, if I bettered myself, if I lost weight, if I was more attractive, he would want to see me. I ended up going from about 150lbs to 115lbs. This was one of the rare things my friends would check in on me throughout the years, some asked me if I was sick or ok. I would simply brush them off, saying I was fine and felt great.
This obsessive working out saved me in a weird way. The control I had over my own body when nowhere else in my life I felt I had control—pushing through crazy endurance workouts, long bike rides, running endless km’s till my lungs and legs burned. It was my own punishment of my body that gave my brain a break from the constant, never ending stress I lived in every single day.
“To this day I have to live with the knowledge that Jessica was receiving these photos, across the hall from my room the entire time. I have to live with the fact that I don’t know what she did with them then and now.... and I will never know. ”
The Isolation
Jessica slowly isolated me from friends and family. I have learned this is a very common theme for catfishers and abusers. It is one of the things that makes me the most sad thinking back, that I didn’t feel I had a network to lean on. It began with family. So many holidays where I would tell my family the plans I had made with Matt. At the beginning, he would encourage it, saying things like;
“I’m so excited to meet your mom, dad, sister. Of course you can tell them – I tell my family about you all the time”. Then after time went on and plans always started falling through – he would say, “wait to tell your family—I don’t want them to hate me, It makes me so sad when I disappoint you and I cant know for sure I can make it yet..”
I had invested so much time in this relationship by this point, and was hanging on for so long onto the idea of our future, a happy future, being able to do everything we spoke about, planned, after all this pain. I didn’t want my family to hate him either. So instead of talking about it, I would make up excuses, reasons I wasn’t able to come to a family event/function. I ended up spending more and more time alone… and by default, with Jessica. It was easier than lying to my family or having them watch my sadness and disappointment.
Jessica would offer to stay in Guelph with me over many holiday weekends—be there as I waited for Matt when our other roommates would go home. She would always say how perfect she thought we were together, despite everyone else not believing in us. How she believed in us, and we were going to make it.
The isolation from my friends was slower, but followed a similar pattern to my family. Many friends would question if Matt was real. They would always say to me “if he cared about you at all, he would be here”. I knew they were right, but I also just couldn’t believe someone would put this much time and energy into someone if they didn’t care. I also had Jessica in my ear, supporting me, supporting the relationship and defending Matt to my friends. She would always say of course he’s real –I’ve met him.
I knew how crazy things sounded, so I stopped talking about it to my friends. It was also generally really hard to hear what they were saying. I wasn’t ready to believe this wasn’t true. So I stopped doing a lot of things with friends, and I definitely stopped talking about Matt. No one past perhaps 2nd year university who met me likely even knew about him.
Looking back from a new lens it is so obvious how Jessica did everything to create a world where she would have complete control of my life, my emotions, and my overall happiness.
The Avicii Concert
A great example that I still remember well: my other roommate and I went to an Avicii concert and Jessica didn’t come. I think she either couldn’t or said she didn’t want to, and you could tell she was jealous we were going without her. That night was a couple days pre when Matt said he was going to visit. He actually sent me a flight order confirmation from BC to Toronto to prove he meant it this time—I don’t know if she fabricated it or if she actually bought one but it was definitely sent to me.
I asked him before if he was ok with me going to the concert—as I always seemed to do, ask permission- he would get super jealous if I went out and guys hit on me (Jessica would tell him if I talked to guys or they talked to me). Sometimes Jessica would even encourage me to flirt with guys while we were out, only to turn around as Matt and make me feel like the smallest, worst person in the world for doing so—another way to manipulate me and gaslight me later.
When Matt was upset he would find more excuses to not see me, making it my fault, and he would say horrible things, hurt me in ways only he could. Saying he wouldn’t want to see me, that I didn’t mean anything I said and that I didn’t care or trust him. He would ghost me or would try and make me jealous by mentioning other girls in in his life, which always hurt so much given he would never share his time with me. I spent so much time trying to make him happy again so he couldn’t make up more excuses not to see me.
Here’s an example of a conversation we had after he texted angry and hurtful messages while I was out partying on Thanksgiving because he didn’t show at another holiday. He would always text me in a rage while I was out— desperately trying to get some sort of a break— effectively causing me to leave the party, then he would follow up on Skype the next day trying to “fix it":
Next day:
[2011-10-18, 4:23:31 PM] Matt Costa: ive havent been stable ever since thanksgiving
[2011-10-18, 4:23:50 PM] Matt Costa: because of many things
[2011-10-18, 4:23:54 PM] Matt Costa: my dad
[2011-10-18, 4:24:01 PM] Matt Costa: conversations with my mom
[2011-10-18, 4:24:13 PM] Matt Costa: what i caused for you
[2011-10-18, 4:25:07 PM] Matt Costa: and because of that ive been irrational about everything else. cuz im not up on my feet right
[2011-10-18, 4:26:08 PM] Matt Costa: i dont want u to be the one that i take this out on. because i care about you
[2011-10-18, 4:26:21 PM] me: babe , that was one weekend and it was shitty, i know it was alot to handle but please dont feel bad about anything theres no need
[2011-10-18, 4:26:47 PM] me: and i dont care, if something is going on i should be that person you can talk to when you need to , or come to. you hsouldnt have to deal with it alone
[2011-10-18, 4:26:59 PM] Matt Costa: yah but look where its gotten us
[2011-10-18, 4:27:08 PM] Matt Costa: now were here and were stuck
[2011-10-18, 4:27:31 PM] Matt Costa: and it was shitty but thats not all there is to it. its easy for u to say
[2011-10-18, 4:27:41 PM] Matt Costa: well....easier
[2011-10-18, 4:27:50 PM] me: no i know there was more to it than that
[2011-10-18, 4:27:58 PM] Matt Costa: cuz i know how many problems i caused for you that weekend
[2011-10-18, 4:28:21 PM] Matt Costa: i jus dont know whats best for me right now
[2011-10-18, 4:28:30 PM] me: so ? problems that went away the next day its nothing i cant handle, yours didnt go away :(
[2011-10-18, 4:29:09 PM] me: i dont understand how one day you can be looking at me and talking to me saying you want to be together forever, and then not be sure the next day :(
[2011-10-18, 4:29:15 PM] me: whats best for you
[2011-10-18, 4:29:57 PM] Matt Costa: im not one bit unsure that i wanna be with you forever
[2011-10-18, 4:31:17 PM] me: okayy :(
[2011-10-18, 4:31:30 PM] me: i just .. i dont understand what your thinking i guess
[2011-10-18, 4:32:37 PM] me: i know your dealing with alot, and still , i just dont like the idea that im adding to that because i dont want you to feel that way
[2011-10-18, 4:32:52 PM] Matt Costa: \i care about you alot and i love you more than anything, i always will love you. we jus havent been at our best and we cant move past it because i cant get back up on my feet
[2011-10-18, 4:33:04 PM] Matt Costa: it takes 2 to make it work my love
[2011-10-18, 4:33:18 PM] me: yeah it does
[2011-10-18, 4:33:57 PM] Matt Costa: im being irrational with you
[2011-10-18, 4:34:15 PM] Matt Costa: and its not fair to you because you didnt do anything wrong
[2011-10-18, 4:35:35 PM] Matt Costa: so please. forgive me for anything ive said to you in the past couple of weeks that was the slightest bit hurtful
Back to the Avicii story- Essentially after I asked if it was ok, he said it was fine and told me to have fun. My roommate and I went out. It was the first time in quite a while, I felt like I could let loose, be happy, and I felt free. The music and the vibes were fantastic and we stayed out till late that night. I didn’t talk to Matt much as I was afraid of what he’d say if my texting seemed not sober.
When I got back that night, I had heard nothing from him. I believe now Jessica was mad I hadn’t checked in regularly, and had come back that night happy, laughing, and free.
The next day he was supposed to be on a flight coming to Toronto – midday. I didn’t hear from him till he should have already been at the airport- he said he went out drinking because he hated the idea of me being downtown with other guys dancing on me. He said he was still going to come despite everything I had done. But then I got a message saying he was “still too drunk” for security to let him through the gate and he missed his flight. I was upset, then he started angrily messaging me about how it was always on him to make things work, that I was out drinking and partying with other guys and how its both our faults. He went into a bit of a rage then didn’t message me for quite some time.
That day I remember I was so depressed, from angry to depressed to broken. This had been about a year or more of talking by now, and I didn’t know when it was going to end. And I didn’t want it to fail or believe that he could by lying to me for so long about so many things. I remember being in my room all day depressed, not eating. Jessica would check in on me, obviously I was not ok and she knew it but as Jessica or as Matt said nothing to help. She let me sit in the pain, likely as punishment for trying to get space from the relationship
The amount of times I think back, where she saw me suffering, all day, all night—not sleeping, all while trying to succeed in school, in life outside of Matt, and all the while she was tormenting me- it’s impossible to comprehend.
Dark discussions with Jessica
There are too many incidents to discuss over the years, too many to list—just the Skype conversations alone that I have between Matt and I are over 1600 pages (which doesn’t include the texts and emails we had sent).
But this particular story still sticks with me now that I know the truth. A couple of years in, I was getting more and more desperate. Every holiday, every positive thing that happened—I couldn’t share it with the person who said he loved me. Every party I went to alone and people would say “where is Matt, are you still together” and I would just not answer.
So many instances of disappearances, of him telling me I was doing things wrong, of losing friends, of not sleeping, of waiting up at night for him to show because I was afraid of falling asleep and missing him. I lived in a constant state of stress and I felt so trapped. I couldn’t give up, I had given too much and I still at the time believed he meant the things he said and would be there for me one day.
That brings me to these darker discussions I had with Jessica. I was sitting with Jessica in the kitchen of our home and I broke down saying how I didn’t know if I could keep going this way. I told her how sometimes I would drive late at night, speeding and listening to loud music— almost wishing something would happen to me because then it would all be over.
She took a second, looked away from me, and said, upset “if you’re so unhappy then why are even doing this? Just break up with him” and then walked away and locked herself in her room. I knew I upset her, I attributed it to me complaining too much to her about Matt, someone she liked and respected and had been friends with for a long time. After this conversation, I made a decision I would go about it alone, and not bother people anymore, because if I lost Jessica as friend, I would have nothing left.
Soon after this conversation, I went for a run at night and I ended up getting hit by a car while running. I rolled up onto the hood of the car then back down to the ground when they hit the brakes, and rolled farther down the road. Once I stopped, I just lay there, adrenaline pumping—heard a bunch of people getting out of their cars around me. Yelling to call an ambulance, putting blankets on me and telling me not to move.
I went to the hospital that day, namely because I didn’t have a phone on me and I had hit my tailbone pretty bad. I was gone for hours from my home in Guelph with Jessica and my roommates. I found out later that Jessica had taken my car (I was the only one with a car) and gone looking for me with a couple of my roommates. I now believe she was worried I had done something to myself. She would have been the only one to know how bad I was feeling.
The first thing I did when I got back was check my phone, hoping Matt was worried because I had been gone so long, but no messages. That night, Jessica and I laid in my bed together watching a movie on the laptop, she had her arm around me and I was just silently crying the whole time. I was so defeated. I was always there for Matt through all his misfortunes—but here I was hit by a car, and alone, not even with a single message or concern. It was a very low point... and Jessica was there with me the entire time.
Once she left my room after the movie… guess who sent his first message of the day? Of course, Matt. Giving me an excuse for his absence and saying how sorry he was he wasn’t there for me. Always the same story, the same guilt trip of why he couldn’t be there.
Thinking back to how many times this happened, when I was at such a low point in front of Jessica, like when Matt was in town and would say he was coming to see me- there was a couch near the front window of the house—and I would sit there all night waiting because I had “missed him” before. And she would be in her room , knowing where I was, knowing what she had said as Matt, knowing he was not going to show, and she would simply go to sleep.. leaving me depressed, desperate… and alone.
The gifts
Matt would make many gestures from afar to try and keep me from leaving him I think, and from Jessica’s perspective to continue to ensure I believe he was real.
He sent me one of “his sweaters” – it said beer pong XXL on it, was worn in, not new and sprayed with cologne. It was a large men’s sweater and it came in the mail. I have no idea where she got this sweater— but this will be another question left unanswered.
He would make large gestures as a show of possession. He was especially concerned about guys I used to work with in the summers at the golf course. I would talk about them to Jessica often- it felt so nice at work to speak with other people who didn’t really know my situation, who wouldn’t look at me with pity. I assume this positive chatter to Jessica about my work friends translated to me liking these guys. Matt would then bring them up all the time, ask if they knew about him, or knew I was taken.
Since he didn’t believe I told them about him, he had sent me flowers to the break room where everyone would take their breaks-for no particular occasion, just so everyone would see I had gotten flowers. There was a note in them so I knew of course who they were from - Matt would often leave me notes. These were always in extremely different handwriting then Jessica.
One time he came to my house in Guelph when I wasn’t there. I was on campus for school as I was every day, as Jessica knew I would be. The house was unlocked as it commonly was in Guelph, and he left me a love letter on my bed. He also took a pair of my underwear that day—again I think to continue to re-enforce for me that he was real and to satisfy whatever needs Jessica had from this catfishing experience. I have no idea what she did with my underwear, one of the many things that make me shiver with unease thinking about Jessica and how our rooms were right across from one another for so many years.
