Chapter 3- “The Relationship”

So much happened over the course of several years, it’s hard to put it all in one blog post. But I am going to share all the main highlights, themes, and lies that lasted throughout those many years.

The grooming period

This relationship started when I was 18 years old. At the time, I’d say I was inexperienced in the dating world and frankly, like every 18-year-old, also inexperienced in life. I was very excited for a good-looking guy with a lot going for him (money, intelligence, athleticism) to be interested in me. . At the time we didn’t have each other’s numbers and we chatted through planned “Skype Sessions”.

He seemed to really want to get to know me. He would want to know about my day, wanted to know about any of the silly things Jessica and I had gotten up to. He would tell me things his roommates did, said, and about his walks with Noodles. He would talk a lot about BC, how much he liked it, the adventures he got up to with his roommates. He would share projects he was working on at school and jobs he was applying for, building his life as anyone would out in BC.

We used to play games online as well, like Tetris Battle and word games. Things to help us stay connected while being long distance.

He would help me study, edit my work, provide additional feedback on my projects. Help me with ideas of which profs at Guelph or UBC to talk to for research projects I might be interested in post-school.

He would spend a lot of time love bombing, building up my confidence. All working to make me feel seen, confident and rely on him for these feelings. I would brush off most of the these attempts over time, not wanting to get into anything too serious when we had not even met yet. But after so many months, I began to believe the things he was saying, motivated and encouraged by Jessica.

I couldn’t see why someone would put as much effort as he was without really getting anything in return, so maybe what he was saying he felt about me was true.

The Proposed move To BC

He would spend lots of time trying to convince me to transfer to UBC, and convincing me to come visit. In retrospect, Jessica spent a lot of time as Matt asking me to visit when she knew I couldn’t. Here’s a classic example:

[2011-03-03, 10:45:38 PM] Matt Costa: so u gonna come to bc to visit sometime:)?

[2011-03-03, 10:47:30 PM] me: hahah i wish! dont have time/money, but that would be sweet, ive never been to bc!.... and you would be there obv:P

[2011-03-03, 10:48:23 PM] Matt Costa: moneys not an issue if u get a bunch of u to come up.can stay at my place

[2011-03-03, 10:48:59 PM] Matt Costa: i can show u around;)

[2011-03-03, 10:49:16 PM] Matt Costa: now time,cant make any suggestions for that one lol

[2011-03-03, 10:51:41 PM] me thats true! well its definitely a good idea:) and yeah i know, theres just never enough time.

[2011-03-03, 10:52:20 PM] Matt Costa: there is if u make it:)

[2011-03-03, 10:52:43 PM] me: hahah true enough:)

It also got to a point where he would help me fill out applications for the school, helped me find the office in Guelph to get my transcripts, helped me look into programs at UBC and offered to pay for my flights to get there. He would send me pictures of his room and ask me how I wanted to decorate it, saying he talked to his roommates and they were all ok with it. He also knew how much I loved animals and would talk about how Noodles was excited to have me live there.               

I also had Jessica as my support throughout the relationship—hyping it up, saying she thought we were perfect for each other, and always there to defend Matt’s actions when they were not ideal, or when other people questioned our relationship or him.

It got to the point where I was delaying signing on for a home in Guelph, which would have left me homeless, because I was planning on going to BC after I was accepted into a program out there. I almost didn’t sign and would have ended up in BC with no one there.

The Musical Manipulation

He would send me a lot of music, specific music, to make me feel special. He would say songs reminded him of me. One in particular he told me to listen to that still is hard to listen to to this day: To Build A Home – Cinematic Orchestra - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUFJJNQGwhk&list=RDoUFJJNQGwhk&start_radio=1

I remember this one in particular because with “Matt” he shared this as something special between us. Then later, Jessica as my best friend would tell me Matt and his buddies called this song “the panty dropper” because they would share it with women they were interested in hooking up with, cutting down an intimate connection I thought was being shared between Matt and I. This speaks to all the layers of manipulative behaviour Jessica used to her advantage to control me. And this is just the tip of the iceberg..

He even wrote me personalized songs, recorded them and sent them to me using our conversations and topics as lyrics. I have no idea how she accomplished this, looking back. One theory is she found a custom song online then found ways to pre-emptively direct our conversations to match the lyrics. He also sent me some covers of songs, and guitar solos, with the same background noises of a computer fan that matched earlier recordings.

Here is the song I still have:

If you know who wrote or sang this song, please let me know via the “Contact” page. Remember this was pre-AI.

There were always many layers to the story, and many layers that never made me question that my best friend was involved in any of this.

The possesSive tendencies

He talked quite a bit about his ex, Julia. He would say things like, “she’s emailed me again”. He would show me those emails, and ask me for advice on how to let her down easy when she would pop back up into his life. At the same time, Jessica as my best friend also had a falling out with Julia, and would tell me if there was a chance we were going to run into her somewhere, so we could avoid going to that place.

He was very possessive, didn’t want other guys to get too close to me. He would be concerned and insecure about all the guys I interacted with, guys he only knew about because of Jessica. He would bring up flings that I had in high school that I had also shared with Jessica. I would rationalize things he seemed to know about me because of the Jessica connection and how she would tell him everything.

He was very disappointed I was not a virgin. That idea of “someone else having me” was terrible to him. He would also mention all the ways he wanted be there for me, show other guys I was his and only his.

Our communication method

We mainly talked over Skype messenger, and he would also text me. Jessica found a way to send text messages online instead of needing another phone. It would show up as a “999” number. She learned to mitigate this risk due to her previous catfishing experience where she was caught because they found her second phone. You’ll learn more about this in the coming chapters.

He gave the reason that this messaging was free and he was always losing his phone or not charging it for the day. This way he could message me more consistently via his laptop. We spoke on the phone a few times as well. Although they were short and not extensive conversations, Jessica had made her voice sound lower and changed her laugh too—Matt had a deeper sounding chuckle.

We never spoke over video, there were always “issues” with the camera. At this point I had been conditioned to brush things off as tech issues. His photos seemed so personal, directed to me, and since Jessica knew him, I didn’t think to push it. I did bring it up multiple times over the years, but I also was incredibly nervous to speak with him on camera, so a big part of this I think was my own fear, and I didn’t push as hard as I should have.