Chapter 1- Meeting Jessica
Let me take you back to 2010. I am entering my first year at the University of Guelph, in a science degree. I am so excited to leave home and begin my life, it’s something I have been waiting for for a long time. I am about 18 years old, grew up in a smaller town, insecure and quite sheltered, and enjoyed meeting new people and making new connections.
I used to play volleyball competitively all through high school and wanted to continue in University . When I was in first year University, I met Jessica through intramural volleyball at the University of Guelph when I signed up as a free agent and was placed on a team.
I wouldn’t describe myself as the most popular girl at school so I naturally gravitated towards those deemed different or socially awkward. I loved learning more about new people, seeing them open up, and helping them when they needed it. Jessica was someone who when I met her, she seemed to be someone with a big heart, but was socially awkward.
Jessica on one of our trips
When I met Jessica, I was having a falling out with my roommate in residence, and it seemed like perfect timing to have a new person to confide in. Jessica and I partied in residence together for those first few months after meeting. We made mutual friends, friends on the volleyball court, and off the court she quickly became my go to person.
After only knowing Jessica for a few months Jessica introduced me virtually to her high school friend “Matt”. She told me they were good friends in high school. Through Facebook, Jessica had told me that her friend Matt had seen photos of me and thought I was cute. She asked me if it would be okay if he added me.
****A quick side note, this was back in 2010, Facebook was the main source for social media and it was still in its early stages. Skype was in full swing and Snapchat was just starting. At this time Instagram didn’t exist and this online world was much smaller, I had never even heard catfishing as a term***
Matt and I began talking frequently on Skype. Matt was going to UBC (PST) at the time for school, so he was 3 hours behind my time zone in Guelph (EST). It started as a very harmless and casual friendship at the beginning. We would chat when we had time, mainly in the evenings as this is when our schedules would align, and it was quite superficial. Flirtatious, but nothing that crossed lines or made me question his motives.
I would stay up very late many nights chatting with him on skype because my 2am/3am was his 11pm/12am. We gradually began to get closer and shared more about our lives. Jessica always made herself closely involved, which at the time made sense since she knew him and connected us. I would tell her everything he said and ask her advice on what I should say back, like you do with your girlfriends. She would often say things to encourage me towards the relationship. Things like:
“he keeps talking to me about you, I’ve never seen him like this, he definitely wasn’t this way with his ex”.
At the time I was quite insecure and I kept my distance because of his love bombing attempts. I laughed them off, responded sarcastically, I didn’t think anyone could feel this way about someone like me. But he persisted, for months and months.
Over time, my trust grew in Matt, and in Jessica. I shared so much with him and her that I had never shared with anyone. He was so interested in me, in everything about me, and so was Jessica.
I’m not sure the exact moment, but I knew I had fallen for him. I thought I had found something special, and someone who truly cared about me. It was the first time in my life I had felt seen this way.
“Looking back now what seemed to be him knowing me well was because I had shared so many things with Jessica, things she knew were important to me- and she used it to manipulate me by playing both sides, my partner and my best friend ”
This manipulation and pattern of playing both sides is what kept me trapped in this relationship for so many years. Imagine you confiding in your best friend about vulnerable things in your life and about your relationship that they can then use to control you as your “partner”.
